Archive for June, 2005

Sometimes I feel like if only I knew more, knew just the right sequence of words, I could make it all better. I wish I could believe that.


Someone has hurt you, and the only way I can make you feel better is to try to get to the bottom of the matter with that person. Standing in the way of resolution is this question, and I have to answer it. This question has a finite number of answers. There is no possible answer that will not hurt you. I must answer, but cannot.

I wish I could still believe that everything can be solved with more data.

But there are no easy answers to tough questions, and sometimes it feels like the more information you have, the more you know, all it means is that you have more potential to just hurt, destroy, make things worse without meaning to…or maybe that potential is there all along, and all this connection does is let you realize that you have done so, and what you’ve lost in the process.

Tonight…I know the surface details, and I know I’ve been implicated in all of it somehow, but it just plain doesn’t make sense.

But the bitch is that there is nothing I can do to make it make sense. Damnit, but that’s what I do, that’s what I’m here for, I live and I breathe in problems with solutions, puzzles. I’m a pattern matching engine with a little bit of person wrapped around it. But puzzles involving people is where it breaks down; I don’t understand people. The subtleties and the nonlinearities of people sometimes just leave me in a spinloop where I need to be there for someone I care about, but anything I can say can only cause harm, and any question I can answer can only create more questions, branching seemingly endlessly into ever more murky and uncomfortable depths, like an ever-expanding windshield crack or a lie.

Crap, I forgot about that.

(But if I’m not directly observing / being observed by them, Chicago-people cease to exist. Right?)


[22:31] Me: um….I’m hoping people have gotten to that stage in their lives where they realize it’s OK to have female friends that you aren’t banging
[22:32] F*: yeah, but you know how ppl are
[22:33] Me: yeah
[22:33] Me: my old man especially
[22:33] Me: I guess this will have to be a learning experience for him :-/
[22:33] Me: (and if not….I guess I could always tell him I’m gay)
[22:34] F*: oh man, thats something I wouldnt tell your dad

QOTD (Monday):
“…did you see that girl on the corner? Oh, she was this tubby girl…but had these cutoff shorts that came up to *here*…” -JK
“…ew…” – me
“…and this way-too-small shirt that was cut like *this*… and it said ‘HOT AND…’ *something* on it, but I couldn’t see what the *something* was, because it was hidden inside a fat roll.” -JK

Wow, this thing’s pretty good.

But what’s this transhumanism stuff about? (Meh, I won’t build myself any cyborgans for at least a couple years.

(Dangermouse? Maybe it means terrormouse.)

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
1. transhumanism score: 5
2. free software score: 5
3. ieee score: 4
4. algorithms score: 4
5. fpga score: 4
6. game theory score: 4
7. genetic algorithms score: 4
8. asic score: 3
9. 6502 score: 3
10. systems score: 3
11. assembly score: 3
12. dangermouse score: 3
13. embedded systems score: 3
14. matlab score: 3
15. probability score: 3
16. 68000 score: 3
17. reality hacking score: 3
18. memetics score: 3
19. functional programming score: 3
20. haskell score: 3

Type your username here to find out what interests it suggests for you.
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Hmm… memes like this tickle at another little interest of mine, data mining. I know, those words tend to get a (well-deserved) bad rap from their typical applications, such as marketers homing in on the negative correlation between your frozen pizza vs. condom purchases for a fast buck. The distilling, the seeking of obscure patterns in a disorganized haystack of unstructured data. If only I had the time to play around with that kind of stuff… I’m thinking of applications right now in IT security and virus/worm/malware discovery without the level of human involvement currently involved. (Sort of like how M$ dubiously tied BitTorrent to Aurora/Nail just recently, except less dubious.) Someday…

Can’t sleep….clown will eat me….

So I’m hacking on some stuff….actually re-hacking someone else’s much more elegant stuff into a form my archaic copy of Borland CPPB4 will tolerate. “‘FILE’ cannot start a parameter declaration” … hmm… it can in MSVC, apparently. I made the mistake of drinking a 20oz mtn dew at about midnight…there seems to be a strong positive correlation between hanging around No* and staying up way too late, after drinking too much caffeinated stuff. You’re a bad influence :-) Then again, there’s also this strong positive between that latenight caffeinated state and projecty stuff getting done, so maybe I should say a good influence.

I’ve heard this state referred to by an expression similar to “that something-something 2am state that gets you inside the compiler” by an even bigger dweeb than me. That rare-ish balance between overbranching brainlock and blissful clearheaded statelessness, where brain noise collapses from some quasi-deterministic patternful thing to pure fuzz. (I’ll explain later… maybe….depending whether work-people are reading this thing, heh)

I was going to try pathetically to document “building of an impromptu furball containment device”, but it looks like that’s already been done. 1 picture = 3e+08 words, so (clicky). That turned out even better than I thought it would.

More random quotes!

Either stumbled across, or from people I know…ya, I have this bad habit of saving them :-)

“Heh well, technically the picture is always upside down since the light hits your eye, which inverts what is actually there. Its a cool aspect of evolution that has allowed us to align our perspective of the world with the direction of gravity, despite the fact that its not the way the world actually is.” -Don’t remember! Found on Slashdot of all places.

“My lack of enthusiasm could not be contained.”

“Her expression, though perplexed, was not perplexing.” (http://www.jonathanvangieson.com/)

“To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.”

“If all this should have a reason, we would be the last to know.”

“HOT PACKET ON SERVER ACTION! Click here for FREE ACCESS to streaming video of dirty packets penetrating badly-configured firewalls!!!”

“They will give a permittivity value in the datasheet, but this is based on a theoretical calculation only. If they quote it as being more than about 90%, you know they’re talking bul*cough*it.” -M*

“Some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”

“No man is worth a woman’s tears; the only one who is, will never make her cry”

“The true measure of a man is how he treats those who can do nothing for him.”

“If you try to fail and succeed, which have you really done?”

Stubbornness we deprecate,
Firmness we condone.
The former is our neighbor’s trait,
The latter is our own.

“Know what I want? A coffee mug with a picture of my coffee mug on it.”

“There is no nice way to enforce patents any more than there is a nice way to rape people.” – argoff

“without nerds, the world would be a nerdless place”

“Save sinners! They can be redeemed for cash prizes.”

“you’re the kind of girl i’d dream about if i still had dreams.”

“All is fear in love and war.”

“He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady wearing white gloves”

“When we ride on trains she’d be happier knowing I had designed it, I’d be happier knowing she’d built it. We don’t ride trains much. We know too much.”

“guys with boobs…kinda make me wanna laugh and cry at once” – me

“The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.”

“We made beautiful music for a few hours. Beautiful music being the sound a bag of socket wrenches in a dryer makes. ” – Seen on craigslist

“Get even with those who help you.”

“The world needs more t-shirts with molecules on them.” – JR

JR : I think my sanities are starting to run away.
Me: sounds like it’s time to chase after them with a pointy stick
JR : I WILL IMPALE THEM ON MY MARKER!

“To label someone a sinner is the same as labelling the person an air breather.”

“There was a NEJM article about how to detect cocaine packets.
That now are manufactured, wax covered capsules that you are supposed to swallow to conceal.
And are in theory a lot safer than the double wrapped condoms of yore.
Just think, if you’re using cocaine it’s probably been through someone’s digestive system.
Mmm, brings a new meaning to ‘ass crack’ ” – JR

“haha.. Yes it gets hard to make sure i leave enough time for everything. Ive found if i dont sleep i get an extra 8 hours each day for free” – Some hacker guy

F*: im happy for yah
Me: me too… I just hope it lasts
F*: just dont let her get away
Me: haha…that sounded…stalkery

JR: Hmm, I think I thought up a new pickup line by accident.
JR: Can’t wait to use it, need only 6 more years…
JR: “You really should see a doctor about that swelling.”

“Discussion….isn’t that a cure for cranial swelling?” -me

“when i was little, i could hear a high-pitched sound whenever a television was on anywhere – even if the volume was turned all the way down and I was in the next room. nobody else i knew could hear it so i thought i had something wrong with me”

Na*: ann t******, wellesley student, dies in tragic smore making studybreak accident
Na*: in annes memory her smart and nice roommate na* who wasnt even there at the time because she was volunteeringat the local blind and death school dance has planted a tree in annes honor
Na*: and has started the ann t****** foundation to educate young women on the dangers of smore making and prevent accidents such as this
Na*: i wish it was me instead of her says na*
Na*: rucquia the fire cheif will speak at the funeral service
Na*: anns parents are suing the jet puffed marshmallow companies for not putting a warning on the bag

JR: Ok, YOUR alarm cock isn’t going to be ringing at 6AM
JR: *clock!!

“The best way to get rid of a bad mood is to give it to someone else” – Calvin and Hobbes (paraphrase)

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable.” — C.B. Luce

“You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it.
But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder.”
Unknown

“Psychiatry: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.” -me

“Malfeasibility study: determining if your latest scheme is underhanded enough to be profitable.” -me

“Sorry I’m late…What are you doing? Where are you at?” -GJM (meeting me at his place, but got stuck on the T)
“Oh, just at your place, chatting up your wife…” – me
“Seriously dude, don’t touch my wife.” -GJM

“I can’t believe that slick bastard…his boys got him off.” -JP (commenting on the recent Michael Jackson trial)
“I thought that’s why he was in court in the first place.” -me

“I’ve never heard of a 9AM booty call before” -ER (after overhearing a marathon session of loud sex by a roommate Judy)
“Ya…I don’t even know if they have a name for that. You know, like a nooner, or Afternoon Delight…I don’t know what you call a morning booty call.” -me
“We should invent a name…e.g. “pulling a Judy”…it’d be famous.” -ER
“A Judy call?” -me

VNV in Boston

These guys kick ass, what more needs to be said?

All right, quotes from the last couple days…yaya, I’m a week late writing this anyway…

“How about, we’ll find someplace shady and stop there, and you can put on sunscreen.” – me
*laughter* – No*
“I meant, a place not in direct sunlight…” – me

“If they want someplace warm and wet to stick it, they can get a piece
of steak…. and microwave it.” -JR

“…and we’re moist in places we shouldn’t be…without stimulus…” –
Ronan (VNV), commenting on the heat in the venue

“…but that’s what makes us all unique, right?”
*crowd cheering*
“So that’s why you’re all wearing black…”
“..this guy here says, because there’s nothing darker than black. …do we have any physicists in the room?”
*some hands*
“How long until we can have clothes that are made out of a singularity?” ‘…I love it…but I lost my car, my house…half the street just got sucked into me..’

“Nikki and I are expecting a deliverable sometime in December…” -BM
“Congratulations!” -Everyone else
“Only engineers…” -MP

Bitchslap!

Now that’s what I like to see. As reported by BusinessWeek, WSJ and a few other places, the malware vendor Hotbar has been sued by Symantec, apparently in response to receiving a nastygram from Hotbar’s lawyers demanding Symantec stop detecting their malware as… well, malware. Unfortunately this is a common theme in malware research (rather than crapware vendors actually make their software less evil, just threaten or sue everyone who reports on it), but they’re usually smart enough to just go after the little guys. Doh!

Symantec is not seeking monetary damages (shame on them ;-) , but is seeking a declaratory judgment asserting their right to detect, list and remove Hotbar’s software.

QOTD: There’s something happening in my pants…I’ll be right back… -Scott, finding his pants had been ambushed by Ethiopian food

Chicago (waiting (failstating (masturbating in the grating (there was fuck-all else to do))))

One of the primary objectives in making a random trip back to my hometown was to get laid (lets just say I have a very satisfied customer in the area, and a friend who seems to want to become one), but that didn’t happen. Actually, a lot of the time was spent bumming rides (my car was still in Boston, of course), calling old friends who didn’t tend to respond in a timely manner, and generally getting spinlocked by logistics.

Not bad overall though. Safely away from der computermachine, I got a lot of reading done. And spent some quality time at the cabin (I love this place!!), getting back to some form of nature, going fishin’ with the old man, and trying to get myself lost in the woods. Heh, and getting asked by my mom if I have ever done drugs. (Well technically, I did find myself ordering White Castle at 3am…) And got together what’s left of the LT photo club (…all three of us…) for a few hours.

While at the cabin, this guy landed some form of ultralight experimental aircraft ON THE LAKE. Granted it’s a long skinny lake, but I can throw a rock across and hit land on the other side, pretty much. (Check out the link above, this thing is incredible.) I want one!

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test! test! *tap tap*…is this thing on? Cexxy blog and LJ. Where one rolls the other follows…