Ah, Boston. Where mid ’70s can be followed by hail and then snow in April. I think it’s snowed in April every year I’ve lived here.
It’s been a while since I wrote something of any personal substance here. That ‘something’ usually ends up being a rant, so without further ado…
Lately I’ve been an order of magnitude more bored/boring and aimless than usual. This just happens from time to time, and I don’t know why. If anything, the opposite should be true: it’s finally getting (with the exception of the last couple days) nice and tolerable out, opening a wealth of possible enjoyable things to do, and I’ve got (as of just last week) an awesome girl to hang out with. But lately, especially the last few weeks, it’s like nothing at all is interesting or worthwhile. I find myself struggling to keep a conversation going on AIM, a soft, non-realtime environment if ever there was one. I find myself walking out of after-hours brainstorm/beerstorm/bull sessions at the office (which I typically enjoy), without a word after realizing nobody’s said anything remotely interesting in over a half-hour (e.g. referencing subjects other than pop-culture, TV and sports, none of which I am competent enough in to contribute to a conversation about), and I’ve just been staring off into space.
(Heh, not that I’m exactly talkative to begin with… but usually I’m at least lost in thought, or thinking something I *would* say if someone else would find it interesting/understandable, just not actually saying it because those conditions aren’t met. But in this case, it seems like I’m not even thinking anything.)
In short, it’s as if the whole world around me is simultaneously going through a collective dumb-n-pointless spell, which seems unlikely, so it’s probably just me going through an unusually boring phase. Sure, like most of my unexplained emotional(?) states, this is temporary and it, too, shall pass. But it still bugs me.
* * *
And of all the times for me to become the Most Boring Guy On Earth, it has to be at the start of a new relationship, one that I really happen to like. I kind of overthink and over-worry things too much in general, and she’s been here five days now without running away screaming, but what keeps rattling around my skull is, “How long until I fuck this up somehow?” I seem to have a knack for doing that. There’s a lot of stuff that I don’t do (for reasons of privacy, I won’t elaborate) that “should” make me a step up from a previous partner, but if it were that easy, I’d have had a lot more dates by now ;) But I’m really no good at this shit, and can’t read people well enough to tell if I’m hugely fucking up and they’re just too polite to say something. Do I come and hang with her while she’s surfing the internet in the living room (too clingy)? Or do I disappear to my own room and do something (ignoring her too much)? What’s the rule on AIM’ing someone in the same house, so you can talk to them without it feeling like you’re getting in the way of their privacy? I’ve had relationships where I expected it to fail and didn’t really care, but this isn’t one of them. I need an instruction manual.
* * *
Among my bedroom’s superfluous sources of artificial light is … what do you call those things? One of those blinking amber traffic-hazard lights, usually seen at the top of an orange-and-white barrel. An old-school one, from back when they were made of cast metal. (For anyone wondering, it was found already snapped off; we didn’t swipe a good one.) The original electronics inside were dead, so I replaced them with a simple light-controlled circuit that could be set to either stay on constantly or blink in an authentic fashion. I brought it with me to Boston at some point, but it seemed to not want to work anymore after the trip, and I forgot about it, plugged in and everything.
Anyway, expecting company that might appreciate a night light, last week I tried to get it running. I flipped it on and off, banged it around, jiggled all the wires and tested the wall-wart; nothing. Probably a good 15 minutes of banging, jiggling and testing, but I had better things to do that evening, so I left it alone again.
Last night my girl came to bed, and (really apologetic about waking me up) asked if I could turn off the light. I was still half-asleep (eyes closed) and had no idea what she was talking about at first…then I saw the blinking. Sure enough, I must have left the blinkenlight switched on, because the damn thing decided to start working again sometime after I fell asleep. I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for that*, but it freaked me out, and probably her too.
*for all I know, given Boston housing, the outlet it’s plugged into is tied to an unmarked mystery switch in the neighbors’ basement or something.