Ah, yes, now I remember why I don’t tell my folks what I’m doing when I go out. Believing the issue of where I was the day before to be satisfactorily resolved (“Where ya going?” “Out.” “What ya doing?” “Stuff.” “Who with?” “People.”), my old man comes out of the blue with something similar to (I forget the exact wording) : Strange that you would want to hang out with your cousin’s little friends. What are you hoping to accomplish there? (with implied wink-nudge-wink)
(Yes folks, if I leave the house it means that I am working my mojo. Nevermind the part about this dude being a DUDE and all; it’s these pesky little facts that really get in the way of good conclusion-jumping.)
As the aforementioned is but a single symptomatic comment in a long medical history of mistaken conclusions, ill-informed judgments and unsolicited advice, this entry could easily turn into a 10-page rant. And it probably will.
The pattern is very simple, and in fact can be expressed programmatically:
1) My eldest son is leaving the house.
2) Will he be with anyone that sounds, may be, or may become female during this excursion?
3a) (Yes) (For each her in list_of_hers) He is inseminating or attempting to inseminate her.
3b) (No) Better continue this script just in case.
4) Is she physically attractive, on the level of a supermodel?
5a) (Yes) Offer keys to Corvette and schedule emergency out-of-the-house time with the wife. END.
5b) (No) Warn against insemination of genetically-impure stock.
5c) Make disparaging comments about any potential insemination recipient (potentially female person).
5d) Actively discourage insemination opportunities with genetically-impure stock.
5e) Foist hot but not-interested girl you know on eldest son.
6) Lather, rinse, repeat.
I did once date this girl for a little while who was among the nicest, sweetest and generally most alive persons I have met, but was by most accounts physically unattractive. Man, the load of shit I got for that. This entry would go on all day if I let it, so I’ll instead close with this Reminder To Self: Reaffirm personal policy of not allowing female friends to come in contact with my old man, thus making them the target of unnecessary and misdirected scrutiny. Especially the ones I’m not fucking (which is, um, ALL of them).