Eeks, only now did I realize that almost half of these are John Carpenter flicks.
1) I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.
John Carpenter’s They Live. Only the awesomest alien movie that ever was, starring (Rowdy) Roddy Piper, as the main character, in an actual acting role.
2) If we’ve got any surprises for each other, I don’t think either one of us is in much shape to do anything about it.
The Thing. This is the very last line; neither of the (only) two survivors knows for sure whether he or the other survivor is one of them.
3) It was nothing like that, penis breath!
E.T. magpiefirefly got this one.
4) The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can’t. Not without your help. But you’re not helping.
Blade Runner – parsemand got it! And says there is a newly re-edited version that kicks even more ass than the original.
5) Santy Claus only brings presents to them that’s been good all year. All the other ones, all the naughty ones, he punishes! What about you, boy? You been good all year?
Admittedly this is a tough one, for everyone who doesn’t scavenge the obscure bad-horror-movie bins at their local backwater VHS rental place (remember those? (VHS tapes *or* places that rented them?)). Silent Night, DEADLY Night! If you guessed this movie is about a deranged Santa Claus that goes around killing people, you’d be right.
6) What the hell are you? …The world’s most pissed-off snow cone!
Jack Frost (probably from the same shelf/bin as previous). There are actually two movies by this name; one is about a mutant killer snowman, and one is a mushy family kids movie. The first time, we picked up the wrong one by mistake and spent a good 45 minutes or so going, “Isn’t he going to start killing people yet? Why isn’t he killing anyone?”
7) EXCUSE ME,Jack! You heard the man! My oxygen’s running out! Look, if you don’t help me, you’re going to end up with this microscopic pod floating around your insides with this teeny tiny human skeleton at the helm.
Inner Space. I remember seeing this movie when I was young and liking it a lot, but I don’t really remember most of it.
8) Everything. OK! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog… When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out… But the worst thing I ever done – I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa – and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
The Goonies! I can’t believe nobody got this one! Everybody who grew up in the 80s should know this one :P
9) Zac Hobson, July 5th. One: there has been a malfunction in Project Flashlight with devastating results. Two: it seems I am the only person left on Earth.
The Quiet Earth. You know, secret government projects involving particle physics always turn out well.
10) My ‘them’. Every paranoid schizophrenic has one; a ‘them’, a ‘they’, an ‘it’. And you want to hear about my ‘them’, don’t you?
In the Mouth of Madness. Shawn on the cexxy side knew this one.
11) Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny’s handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny’s body didn’t have to mean his absence from our daily lives.
The Kentucky Fried Movie. Great shit from the 70s.
12) Don’t mind her. She’s still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
Beetlejuice, beetlejuice beetlejuice! magpiefirefly got this one too. I haven’t seen that in ages.
13) Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?
Army of Darkness. jovianconsensus got it. As for the rest of you, I’m disappointed in y’all.
14) I would like… cheese… go… to… hell…
Explorers. The line is actually spoken by a rat who can control a speech synthesizer. Fortunately this is its only line…
15) Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.
Dr. Strangelove. jovianconsensus got this one too.